Reflections

As I've been reflecting back on 2010, I'm realizing that it was quite tumultuous for me. When the year started, I felt lost. There was an itch I couldn't scratch, something that I couldn't quite get to. I didn't know what it was and, looking back, I realize that I never really tried to figure it out. I spent the entire year battling to keep this invisible thing from emerging, denying that anything was wrong. But now I realize that, all along, it was making itself known...as anger. I spent most of this past year very angry. Sure, things happened that--I thought--justified my anger, and occasionally I would take the opportunity to express that anger: the oil spill in the gulf was definitely the climax. But as the year wore on, I couldn't help the feeling that there was something else underlying, something that was the real reason I was angry. The closer and closer January got, the angrier I got, and the more I found myself thinking and saying, "I'm so tired of being angry...I wish I knew why I was so angry." But I still never looked at myself to find the answer.

By November, I found myself getting very defensive. I felt very judged by a few people and was itching for my opportunity to stand up for myself and speak my truth. I wanted to tell them that, despite what they thought, I had my life together and I knew what I was doing. My opportunity never came, and I found myself--you guessed it--feeling angry. I was angry at them for talking about me behind my back. I was angry at God for not presenting me with my opportunity to speak my truth to them. I was so busy being angry that I didn't even see what Life was continually putting right in front of my face. It never occurred to me that Life was holding up Its mirror to me and saying, "Kayleigh...look at you. Look at what you're doing."

I was so busy being angry that I hadn't talked to God all year. I was so busy being angry that I had only logged one entry in my gratitude journal all year. I was so busy being angry because I didn't want to look at myself. If I could only keep finding reasons to be angry, if I could keep blaming others for my unhappiness, then I wouldn't have to admit that I was going about things all wrong. I was so busy waiting for the opportunity to tell someone that I knew what I was doing that I didn't stop to ask myself, "Do you?"

One night, I was at a dear friend's house when she took a sledgehammer to my ego. I realized in a jolt that I was severely disconnected. I finally admitted to myself that I had no idea what I was doing. I was afraid of commitment because I hadn't even committed to myself. I was afraid of loving another person because I had given no love to myself in God-knows-how-long; I was drained and felt incapable of loving another person. And I was afraid of moving toward any specific goal because I had no clue what I was doing here or where I was at. So I made some major changes, and while it wasn't the most pleasant of experiences, it gave me room to breathe.

But I was still angry, and I still didn't know why. So I made a list of people I was angry at with the intention of forgiving them all. I figured that was the best place to start. Thankfully, it was a short list, but I still wasn't sure I'd be able to forgive them all, or how soon it would happen. But I opened myself up to really look at what was going on. Finally, as I was lying in bed on the verge of sleep, it suddenly hit me: all these people had held up mirrors to me. Each one of these people were reflections of what I was doing, and who I was being . None of my anger was about them; the only person I was truly angry at was myself. I was sending anger at these people because they were showing me exactly what I was doing. Like a neglected child, I was acting out, sending anger to everything and everyone else because I wouldn't give me attention. Realizing this, I was overwhelmed with compassion and love for the people I had intended to forgive...and the anger disappeared. All that remained was gratitude. I was grateful to them for being my mirrors, grateful to them for waking me up to myself. They gave me gifts that are too precious to put into words. They helped me to grow, and they showed me myself. I bless them, and wish them love and healing of their pain. And now that I'm actually looking at my reflection, it's time to move on and heal myself.

I have to smile to myself when I reflect on this past year now. I'm grateful to end up back with myself, and that it only took a year...a year that, despite its hardships, was full of wonderful memories and not without a couple of miracles. I still have a lot of discovering to do, and that's what 2011 is about for me. I may still be a bit of a mess, but I'm okay with it. Life is a mess, a beautiful mess, and I'm grateful to be here playing in it. I don't need to know exactly where I'm going, I don't need to have my life "together"...I don't need to decide anything right now. My only agenda right now is to enjoy life, and to fall in love with myself all over again. That is, after all, why we're here: to live and to love.